it's so quiet here and i feel so cold
My name is Peeta Mellark.
He reminds himself of that, like a promise. What is a promise is I will always love Katniss Everdeen.
In his cell he hums the Valley Song. He imagines the curve of her body when she clutches him after his rescue. Katniss won't leave him here. He half believes what the Capitol tells him to say, but he fully believes Katniss won't leave them here. She's never given up on anyone or anything. She won't let them stay here. She'll come and hold him and he'll forget electrodes taped to his skin, the taste of his own blood. All of this will go away when Katniss comes.
(He knows he'll never forget this. Every hand on his body, every shock of pain, every leering, sadistic eye. He'll remember this for the rest of his life.)
He could have taken it until they try to take her away.
He screams in his restraints and tries to bite off his tongue so he can die before they take her--so they fit him with a mouthpiece that won't let his teeth close, and he rants and struggles and screams until his voice goes.
"You can't--you can't have her!" He rages, words distorted by their device.
Days later he begs: "Please. Please. I need her. Don't. Please."
He's always cried more than other boys. His mother hates that. She always told him to be stronger, but they're taking Katniss in pieces like they're carving her body up in front of him. How can he be strong? She's his home, his hearth, the center of his gravity. They're taking out his heart and dissecting it. Mutilating it and him. If I die I still want to be me and who he is is the boy who loved Katniss Everdeen before he even knew what love really was. He can't hold onto her as desperately as he tries. He makes Johanna tell him about her, but Johanna doesn't really know Katniss. It's not enough.
"Please. Pleasepleaseplease--"
What does it feel like when he breaks?
Nothing. He understands now. She hates him. Why would he care? She's a mutt, a monster. She used him to survive and destroyed his life. She took advantage of his love and his loyalty. He hates Katniss Everdeen. That's who he is.
(He loves Katniss Everdeen. He loves her rare smile and her braids and the way she breathes safe in her sleep. He loves the way her sweat smells after a day of hunting, sharp and alive. He loves her calloused hands and her low voice. He loves all of her, even her unkind words and her dark suspicion. She thinks he doesn't see that, but he does. He wants to kiss her and make her believe that there's a safe place for her, that as long as he lives he'll protect her. Her mouth is always soft and startled under his. His name is Peeta Mellark and he will always love Katniss Everdeen and some small, defiant part of him says and I'll make so she knows to never come near me again.
They want subtle. He won't give them subtle.
When I die I want to still be me.)
He reminds himself of that, like a promise. What is a promise is I will always love Katniss Everdeen.
In his cell he hums the Valley Song. He imagines the curve of her body when she clutches him after his rescue. Katniss won't leave him here. He half believes what the Capitol tells him to say, but he fully believes Katniss won't leave them here. She's never given up on anyone or anything. She won't let them stay here. She'll come and hold him and he'll forget electrodes taped to his skin, the taste of his own blood. All of this will go away when Katniss comes.
(He knows he'll never forget this. Every hand on his body, every shock of pain, every leering, sadistic eye. He'll remember this for the rest of his life.)
He could have taken it until they try to take her away.
He screams in his restraints and tries to bite off his tongue so he can die before they take her--so they fit him with a mouthpiece that won't let his teeth close, and he rants and struggles and screams until his voice goes.
"You can't--you can't have her!" He rages, words distorted by their device.
Days later he begs: "Please. Please. I need her. Don't. Please."
He's always cried more than other boys. His mother hates that. She always told him to be stronger, but they're taking Katniss in pieces like they're carving her body up in front of him. How can he be strong? She's his home, his hearth, the center of his gravity. They're taking out his heart and dissecting it. Mutilating it and him. If I die I still want to be me and who he is is the boy who loved Katniss Everdeen before he even knew what love really was. He can't hold onto her as desperately as he tries. He makes Johanna tell him about her, but Johanna doesn't really know Katniss. It's not enough.
"Please. Pleasepleaseplease--"
What does it feel like when he breaks?
Nothing. He understands now. She hates him. Why would he care? She's a mutt, a monster. She used him to survive and destroyed his life. She took advantage of his love and his loyalty. He hates Katniss Everdeen. That's who he is.
(He loves Katniss Everdeen. He loves her rare smile and her braids and the way she breathes safe in her sleep. He loves the way her sweat smells after a day of hunting, sharp and alive. He loves her calloused hands and her low voice. He loves all of her, even her unkind words and her dark suspicion. She thinks he doesn't see that, but he does. He wants to kiss her and make her believe that there's a safe place for her, that as long as he lives he'll protect her. Her mouth is always soft and startled under his. His name is Peeta Mellark and he will always love Katniss Everdeen and some small, defiant part of him says and I'll make so she knows to never come near me again.
They want subtle. He won't give them subtle.
When I die I want to still be me.)